Chatta Mom

November 20, 2008

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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<3 Grand "Omie" Love ~ Thanks to internet friend, Debbie.

Posted by Omie at 2:34 PM | Comments (0)

October 14, 2008

Five Tips for Women

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!
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<3 Grand "Omie" Love ~ Thanks to Jetti.

Posted by Omie at 2:33 PM | Comments (0)

October 13, 2008

Non-Partisan Joke

Here is a non-partisan joke that can be enjoyed by both parties not only that, it is politically correct!
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend Judy, whom I have not heard from in a very long time. What a treat!

Posted by Omie at 11:03 AM | Comments (0)

September 10, 2008

Texas Teacher

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in a few years.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks again to Gladys.

Posted by Omie at 12:06 PM | Comments (0)

Not to Be Outdone

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines In the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in Senatobia, Mississippi, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field near Strayhorn, Bubba Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone wireless.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Gladys

Posted by Omie at 12:01 PM | Comments (0)

September 9, 2008

Senoirs Are Valuable

We are Valuable!!

We have silver in our hair,
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet.
And We are loaded with natural gas!!!
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Ed.

Posted by Omie at 3:52 PM | Comments (0)

September 5, 2008

Being Retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the newsstand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child Molesters - that's out of your league, obviously!!!

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said 'OBAMA in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to funny neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 2:57 PM | Comments (0)

September 3, 2008

Senior Moment

For all of us who are seniors---for all of you who know seniors---and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

Speaking of Senior Moments: Where Is My Paper?

The irrate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. 'So that's why no one was in church today.'
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Gladys

Posted by Omie at 3:20 PM | Comments (0)

August 12, 2008

The Dress

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.

'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to my big sister.

Posted by Omie at 11:40 AM | Comments (0)

July 18, 2008

Tick Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally.....but this one is real , and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Gladys, for this funny.

Posted by Omie at 4:23 PM | Comments (0)

July 12, 2008

Catholic Shampoo

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said,

'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

'The curlers are on me.'
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks for this funny goes to friend, Catherine.

Posted by Omie at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)

July 7, 2008

God's Problem Now

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Marie.

Posted by Omie at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)

June 6, 2008

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?
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The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to horsey friend, Nancy.

Posted by Omie at 12:46 PM | Comments (0)

June 1, 2008

Senior Dress Code

Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least

13. Thongs and Depends
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to "older" sister.

Posted by Omie at 10:43 AM | Comments (0)

May 27, 2008

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully.

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

Lion = you're an idiot.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS!

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Another funny one from Ed.

Posted by Omie at 2:35 PM | Comments (0)

Phone Directory

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.

There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always wingin wong numbers.

I felt you needed to know this.

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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 2:31 PM | Comments (0)

May 26, 2008

The North and South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has craw fish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
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FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.!

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to my Northern transplant friend, Diana.

Posted by Omie at 11:16 AM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2008

Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old, if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Billie and Randall.

Posted by Omie at 7:02 AM | Comments (0)

May 19, 2008

Tech Support

Be sure to read the bottom line. Lots of planning went into this. Civil engineering is not taught here.

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This is India. It's where you call when you have a technical problem with your computer.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Estelle.

Posted by Omie at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)

May 15, 2008

AARP Q & A Forum

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor,right?
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to "young" friend, Catherine.

Posted by Omie at 1:44 PM | Comments (0)

May 6, 2008

Materialistic

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in his cruiser was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up that day, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important t hings in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to the "ex."

Posted by Omie at 2:47 PM | Comments (0)

May 2, 2008

Class Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion.

I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, I sighed. She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago. I hear she hasn't been sober since.

My God! says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see; there really are two ways to look at everything.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Gladys.

Posted by Omie at 11:01 AM | Comments (0)

April 28, 2008

Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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I had amnesia once -- or twice.
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I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 8:48 PM | Comments (0)

April 25, 2008

Telephone in Church

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the
country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute..' Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
churches in Seattle, Dallas, Denver, Fargo, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the
United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer
from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Tennessee, upon entering the church in West Tennessee
behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.

But THIS time, the sign read, 'Calls: 35 cents.'

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all
across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Tennessee now ......
You're in God's Country, It's a local call.'
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ AMEN! heh heh. Thanks to friend since junior high, Judy V.

Posted by Omie at 9:51 AM | Comments (0)

April 23, 2008

Emergency Room

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for four hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck on a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker Emergency service.

*

*

*

It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ oops! Thanks to friend, Marie.

Posted by Omie at 1:24 PM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2008

Political Joke

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know, but today they have their eyes open."
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ heh heh.... Thanks to Carole

Posted by Omie at 12:37 PM

April 5, 2008

Collard Green Garden

An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,
I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love,
Junebugg Jankins III.

At 4 am. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Junebugg III
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Don.

Posted by Omie at 5:10 PM

April 4, 2008

YaYa Sisters

AND REMEMBER: GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM, BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE !!!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to find. Supportive.. Comfortable...
Always Lifts You Up... Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging...
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie.

Posted by Omie at 12:57 PM

April 1, 2008

Why Men Don't Write Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. my wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was Checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Bob
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Diana.

Posted by Omie at 11:55 AM

March 28, 2008

Frog Joke

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(folks, your gonna luv this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Don.

Posted by Omie at 12:43 PM

March 25, 2008

Killer Biscuits

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and
with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of t he head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called t he paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but that could be irrelevant.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie

Posted by Omie at 1:59 PM

March 20, 2008

The Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
*********************
Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost? '

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
*********************
When Grandma Goes to Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Three jokes today, thanks to friends Debbie, Marie and big sister, Pat.

Posted by Omie at 1:25 PM

March 11, 2008

Photographer

His request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie

Posted by Omie at 1:38 PM

March 6, 2008

Ladies Softball

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.

"Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?" "In Heaven," replied Rose.

"I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to big sister.

Posted by Omie at 12:20 PM

March 5, 2008

Blondes at Work

Two blonde girls were working for the City Public Works Department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An on looker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he said to the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie.

Posted by Omie at 4:35 PM

If My Nose Was Running...

Here is a funny to share with your "sweetie." If My Nose Was Running

copy/paste here - http://myeeosprofile.com/video-egCeIwjIuZM if the above link doesn't work.
******************************************************************
GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Ed.

Posted by Omie at 4:27 PM

February 28, 2008

Rednecks and the Goat

Two rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, "I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick up the transmission and carry it over and count one and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said . "Why, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission!"
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Ed.

Posted by Omie at 1:09 PM

February 26, 2008

New Keeper of the Pearly Gates

A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."

Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replies "What word?" she asks "Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!

"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"

Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."

"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."

"What word?" he asks.

"Czechoslovakia"
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ "Borrowed" from Andy.

Posted by Omie at 10:17 AM

February 23, 2008

Installing Your Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

***

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Carole.

Posted by Omie at 1:23 PM

February 19, 2008

Church Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay,"said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.
=======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
======

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
=======

People want the front of the bus,
the back of the church, and
the center of attention!
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
_______

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And pass it on to other folk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie

Posted by Omie at 2:32 PM

February 18, 2008

New Drugs for Women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h%@# for up to eight full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
*****************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend of 35 years, Diana.

Posted by Omie at 1:35 PM

February 16, 2008

Redneck Valentine

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have
a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we's in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
And fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years ,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold dr ank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ WOO HOO! Thanks to Marie

Posted by Omie at 7:32 PM

February 12, 2008

My Life

******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Carole

Posted by Omie at 6:14 PM

February 8, 2008

The Passing of an Icon

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.
******************************************************************<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks Sis.

Posted by Omie at 12:15 PM

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

And sure enough........!!!
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks Marie

Posted by Omie at 11:37 AM

Sleeping at Work

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " ... In God's name, Amen."
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks Marie

Posted by Omie at 11:32 AM

February 7, 2008

Older Women

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a HOT 25 year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old gal and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 2:02 PM

February 4, 2008

Smart Old Lady

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her
60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

( Oh, just shut-up and forward this one on ) : )
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Nancy.

Posted by Omie at 8:00 PM

February 1, 2008

The Old Soldier

One sunny day in 2009, an old soldier approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs.Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing you say it!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow sir."
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to my naughty friend, Marie. heh heh

Posted by Omie at 10:28 AM

January 29, 2008

Health Warning

DO NOT SWALLOW YOUR CHEWING-GUM!

See what happens ?

******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend Marie for this chuckle.

Posted by Omie at 9:34 PM

January 21, 2008

Birth Order of Children

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
_____________________________________________ _________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
______________________________________________________

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to internet friend, Debbie and her hubby.

Posted by Omie at 2:47 PM

January 20, 2008

Touch Love vs. Spanking

~ Tough Love vs. Spanking ~
(a psychological conundrum)

It seems that these days most Americans think it is improper to spank children, so over the years I tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

This worked so well for my children that I now use the method on my grandchildren.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my grandson, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
A Friend

******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Marie.

Posted by Omie at 8:56 PM

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Older Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Older Woman: "Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving."

Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."

Older Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Older Woman: "I stole this car."

Officer: "Stole it?"

Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what?"

Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"

Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"

Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to the "ex."

Posted by Omie at 8:19 PM

January 17, 2008

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies,' he responded.

'Oh? Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, three males, two females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, 'Easy, three were on a beer can; two were on the phone.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to big sister.

Posted by Omie at 11:27 AM

January 14, 2008

The Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff because it's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'

We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.

''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face!

When you' re finished laughing, share this with another MOM.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks again to Marie

Posted by Omie at 5:31 PM

Montana State Trooper

******************************************************************
GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie.

Posted by Omie at 5:22 PM

January 11, 2008

Orange Necks

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Tennessee aka "Orangenecks."

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Tennessee.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Tennessee.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Tennessee.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Knoxville for the weekend, you may live in Tennessee.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Tennessee.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Tennessee.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Tennessee.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Tennessee.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Tennessee.

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Tennessee.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Tennessee friends & others, you definitely live in Tennessee.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to the "ex."

Posted by Omie at 1:47 PM

January 8, 2008

Homesick

A Yankee from upstate New York was hiking through the mountains of Kentucky when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen. Intrigued, he knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep" came a kids voice thru the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the hiker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in."

"Well, is your mother there?" asked the hiker.

"Ma?, Nope, she left afore I got here."

But," protested the Yankee, "do you ever get together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here" said the kid thru the door. This is the outhouse."
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 11:11 PM

January 7, 2008

Laws of Work

** If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

** A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

** Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

** It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

** After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

** The more Junk you put up with, the more Junk you are going to get.

** You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

** Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

** When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

** If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

** There will always be Styrofoam Coffee Cups And Dougnut Wrappers and Fast Food Garbage Cluttering the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride
home from the office.

** Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

** Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

** Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

** Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

** If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

** You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

** People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

** If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

** At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

** When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

** Following the rules will not get the job done.

** Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

** When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

** No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

** The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ From the files of Omie (Author Unknown)

Posted by Omie at 8:06 PM

January 5, 2008

Special Poem for Older Folks

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
***************

*****

******

******

******

******

*******

******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Sorry, folks, part of this is a repeat. I have no idea who sent this one..... probably my neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 10:45 PM

January 3, 2008

Flaky Blonde

And How Blonde Is She??

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .

(scroll down)

'Now, let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

XOXO,
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Catherine who has a new baby in her barn. Here is a pic of her new four-year gelding who is 16 hands high. That's a tall baby! I'll have more details when I see Catherine this coming Monday.

*********************

Posted by Omie at 9:38 PM

December 29, 2007

Counseling - Southern Style

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -women like that are hard to find."
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Carole

Posted by Omie at 4:31 PM

December 27, 2007

Dorky Picklebrains

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....

Don't laugh until you find out what your new name is....

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to
break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not..

Here is your dose of humor...

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to
friends and family and co-workers.

Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated.

And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

So:-

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcu s
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flipp in
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = pickle
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = potty
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r= doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON...REMEMBER TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT LINE TO YOUR NEW NAME BEFORE FORWARDING!

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Carole, whose new name is Dorfus Farkletush. Love it! heh heh

Posted by Omie at 1:50 PM

December 22, 2007

And the Winner Is...

Obedience School Winner

******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Yes I know, guys, this is Photoshop. heh heh. Thanks to neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 11:00 AM

December 19, 2007

Christmas Shopping with Kids

"Unattended Children Will Be Given An Espresso and A Free Puppy.
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ LOVE IT! "Borrowed" from another blogger, Selah.

Posted by Omie at 1:41 PM

December 12, 2007

Speedy Seniors

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back- eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" The old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

"Life is a Gift.. Unwrap it
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks again to Nancy.

Posted by Omie at 7:40 PM

December 10, 2007

An "Owie"

Out of the mouths of babes...

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid.

So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”

“Yes, I do,” said the lad, who was not old enough to read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie

Posted by Omie at 12:40 PM

December 5, 2007

Disney Girls

Disney's Desperate Housewives

******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Carole
List of Disney's Desperate Housewives: Beauty and the Beast; Cinderella; Snow White; Ariel; and finally Sleeping Beauty, who states, "I just pretend to be asleep." Sorry that her "ballon" picture is cut off,

Posted by Omie at 7:42 PM

December 4, 2007

Neighbor's Dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this'. She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ GROAN! Thanks to neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 6:23 PM

November 26, 2007

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

On a Church's Billboard:
"Seven days without God makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
*********************** ***

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Another good one from Ed.

Posted by Omie at 10:47 AM

Special Poem for the Golden Years

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to my wonderful 81 year old neighbor, Ed.

Posted by Omie at 10:41 AM

November 21, 2007

Rednecks, How Do You Know?

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Cooler


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, Go ahead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Cellar

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Garden

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Limo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder . .
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Mailbox

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teeth brush.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Moon Landing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . . and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Weenie Roast

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new Redneck law was just recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Wheelchair

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down?

"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A Redneck Thanksgiving
(if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck)

That's all folks !
******************************************************************
<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to my sister.

Posted by Omie at 1:04 PM

November 20, 2007

The Phone Call

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."