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April 28, 2008
Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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I had amnesia once -- or twice.
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I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to neighbor, Ed.
Posted by Omie at 08:48 PM | Comments (0)
April 25, 2008
Telephone in Church
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the
country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute..' Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
churches in Seattle, Dallas, Denver, Fargo, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the
United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer
from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Tennessee, upon entering the church in West Tennessee
behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read, 'Calls: 35 cents.'
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all
across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Tennessee now ......
You're in God's Country, It's a local call.'
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ AMEN! heh heh. Thanks to friend since junior high, Judy V.
Posted by Omie at 09:51 AM | Comments (0)
April 23, 2008
Emergency Room
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for four hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck on a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker Emergency service.
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It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ oops! Thanks to friend, Marie.
Posted by Omie at 01:24 PM | Comments (0)
The Brick
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door. He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'
The young boy was apologetic.
'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...'
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help
me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.
A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'
God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Carole
Posted by Omie at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
April 21, 2008
Home Remedies
Eliminate ear mites (from cats). All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for three days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor ... Next time your dog comes in from the rain,
simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making
your dog smell springtime fresh.
Did you know drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain
almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by
traditional "pain relievers."
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix one Tablespoon of horseradish in one cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take one tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.
Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover. Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ... cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine. A powerful antiseptic.
Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for one hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more. Mix two cups of Quaker Oats and one cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for one minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
If you get bit by ants you can pour Clorox on the bite as soon as you get them and it takes the itching and burning away.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to internet friend, Debbie and her hubby.
Posted by Omie at 02:28 PM | Comments (1)
April 17, 2008
Political Joke
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.
The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.
"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.
"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.
"Democrats" says Little Suzy.
The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.
"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."
Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know, but today they have their eyes open."
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ heh heh.... Thanks to Carole
Posted by Omie at 12:37 PM | Comments (0)
April 08, 2008
Unusual Speeding Ticket
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the
USMC Base Commander
The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie
Posted by Omie at 12:41 PM | Comments (0)
April 07, 2008
Four Friends
Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.
She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.
The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him.
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart. The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!' Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend. 'At
the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.'
The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he
suffered from malnutrition and neglect. Greatly grieved, the girl said, "I
should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives: Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it
will leave you when you die.
Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others.
Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you
throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to internet friend, Debbie.
Posted by Omie at 12:54 AM | Comments (0)
April 05, 2008
Collard Green Garden
An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,
I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Daddy Jankins,
Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Junebugg Jankins III.
At 4 am. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Daddy Jankins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Junebugg III
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Don.
Posted by Omie at 05:10 PM | Comments (0)
April 04, 2008
YaYa Sisters
AND REMEMBER: GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM, BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE !!!!!!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to find. Supportive.. Comfortable...
Always Lifts You Up... Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging...
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie.
Posted by Omie at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)
April 01, 2008
Thief at the Car Wash
Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md.
Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!
That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.
The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!
That's three quarters he has in his beak!
Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.
And you thought you heard of everything by now!! !!
And to think the phrase 'bird brain' is associated with being dumb. Not these birds. Share the story!!
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to Marie for this great email.
Posted by Omie at 01:38 PM | Comments (0)
Why Men Don't Write Abby
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. my wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was Checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
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<3 GrandMom Love ~ Thanks to friend, Diana.
Posted by Omie at 11:55 AM | Comments (0)