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August 04, 2007
Joke Medley
An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked. She answered, "Because I'm dead.
"The husband asked..."What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Remember...Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
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I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put some in the food.
...If it weren't for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan...Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know...God won't give me more than I can handle, there are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Dogs Have Owners ~ 
Cats Have Staff
If the shoe fits.. buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail...at twice the speed of checks.
If you look like your passport picture...you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
Have A Wonderful Day!
***************** Thanks to Carole
A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?".
The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".
"No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"
*************Thanks to my "ex."
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ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..., one button at a time.
.......No one moves.
.......He removes his shirt.
.......Muscles ripple across his chest.
.......She gasps...
.......and He says......
"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
************This may be a repeat. Thanks to Catherine
*************
New Seat Belt Law becomes effective July 15, 2007
The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on ! a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below....... THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!
This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.
I KNOW....YOU SMILED
Thanks to Carole
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<3 GrandMom Love - Omie.....Who is very grateful to the two or three people who actually read this blog. Have a great weekend, folks! You are appreciated!
Jokes | By Omie | 01:01 PM